I canceled my last psychologist session with S and didn't show up to my appointment with CA last Thursday. I have actively not been following my meal plan for the past 2 weeks. I am having a lot of thoughts about not going back. I know they are all excuses, but I got so overwhelmed the last few weeks. It's a huge time commitment to go to an appointment every Thursday and I'm so drained after each one, whether due to getting emotional or the effort to stay unemotional. S's appointment I missed because I had last minute obligations and unexpected work stress. Her appointments aren't until 6 which means I'm not home until almost 8 and that's just a very long day. I need to talk to her this week about trying to find an earlier time. While I skipped CA's last week to help with a thing at work and in order to support coworkers at an award ceremony, I must admit it was an easy decision. I'll have to talk to S about this whole dietician thing. I just don't like going.
This whole process is unbelievably uncomfortable. This is probably the worst time of the year for me to have decided to 'get real' about treatment. I have been plagued with stressmares. I've always had insomnia and have been treating it medically for 8 years. My issue has always been how long it takes me to fall asleep versus when I have to be awake. With my dose of ambien (and my sensitivity to drugs in general) falling asleep isn't the issue anymore. I may have a bad night here are there, but most nights I get my 7-8 hours in if I'm responsible. Since this whole 'real' treatment thing started, however, I have been waking up on average 2-3 times a night from dreams so stressful that I am rigid and stiff with anxiety, every muscle hurts, and I spend the next 5 minutes or so calming myself down and assuring myself that it was just a dream. These dreams are everyday social, family, and job related (students and staff situations) events and yet they always turn ugly as far as anxiety over one issue or another. It wouldn't even be so bad if it weren't so hard to tell them apart from reality. Sometime I catch myself thinking I've had conversation with people I really haven't. I'm normally so worked up after waking to a stressmare that I don't go fully back to sleep and often have a few more stressmares before it's time to get up. From mid January to a few weeks ago, I was averaging about 4 hours of real sleep a night.
Since I blew off my last two appointments and threw my meal plan to the wind, I've slept much better. Shocker. I guess that will be the next road block to treatment. How do I do all the things I'm suppose to do and not allow it to affect my personal and professional life? I can't walk around at work ready to burst into tears at the slightest thing (which is how I've been feeling) and I can't function well in general if I'm only getting 4 hours of sleep a night. This was a big part of why I started thinking I'd need to check into some place this summer. Well that was a nice idea until I found out that one place I found near by charges almost a grand a day for a min of 60 days. There's no way I can afford it even with my insurance. So what I'm doing now, while draining me financially as well, is about my only option that I know of.
S and I are going to have to have a very serious discussion this week about how this can all work. Because it just isn't right now. I know I'm the biggest obstacle, but I feel between S and CA they've got to be able to come up with a better plan to help me through this part.
No comments:
Post a Comment