A diet means, medically, the overall eating habits of person...

I can't do this.  I'm trying so hard but I just don't think I can.  Last week I did okay.  The weekend was no good as always.  I think those will be the hardest and last areas I fix.  But I tried again on Monday and felt beyond disgusting.  Which then led to me not following my plan well today because I am so bloated that I am nauseous and uncomfortable.  It makes me not want to leave the house...  And then because I have to be able to put on a happy face and get to work doing my job well I'm left feeling strained and exhausted each day and slowly creeping back to the normal behaviors I know will make we feel better.  


How am I suppose to 'get better' and work a high pressure job that I am passionate about and stay as social as I am and want to be?  I don't ever have time to sit down and just process how hard this is all for me.  Because it is soooo very hard.  Not even just the eating stuff (though that sucks in a giant way) but all the emotions and reactions to things that are bubbling up.  I don't know how to deal with them and still function normally.


For instance I cried the other day while handing my partner papers I didn't get passed out that she would then need to pass out.  She was just giving me a hard time and teasing as we both always do, but that day I was so on edge I started crying.  She felt so bad she almost sent me flowers.  I just don't have the control I have always had on my emotions and it's really scary for me.  


I'm starting to see the benefits of inpatient treatment.  To be able to take a break from the world for 2 months and just work on me without the distractions and without being able to avoid the things I've spent my whole life avoiding.  


Hospitalization has always terrified me, but this would be a step above that.  And let's face it, if this thing doesn't work and I go off the deep end (And I've been feeling close for quite a while) I don't have 40 pounds to lose this time.  If I fall like last time I could very well end up hospitalized against my wishes. Surrendering yourself to a treatment center has got to be better.  I need to look up more information and talk with the insurance company about costs....

To be continued....