"And so I went through the looking glass, stepped into the netherworld, where up is down and food is greed, where convex mirrors cover the walls, where death is honor and flesh is weak. It is ever so easy to go. Harder to find your way back." — Marya Hornbacher Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia
Monday, February 7, 2011
The simple things are so hard
"Trouble is part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the [people] who love you enough chance to love you enough." -Dinah Shore
This quote really spoke to me tonight. I'm at a bit of a plateau with treatment. I'm really having a very hard time with my meal plan. I started off good when she was only asking me to add 40 grams of protein. That meant having a greek yogurt at breakfast (even though I haven't eaten breakfast consistently in 15 year) and keeping my small already there lunch, and then a cup of low fat cottage cheese when I get home. I was able to go to the grocery store and buy those items with only mild anxiety. And outside of the 4 days off from the ice store, i've been doing well with adding them.
But then CA put me on a more specific meal plan. I knew I was overwhelmed when she gave it to me, but today as I walked around the grocery store I felt like my heart was racing and scared. I've never felt that way in a grocery store. I avoid them mostly but when I go it's always to get foods I like and have already made peace with the fact that I'm going to purge them so I don't usually feel anxious and actually pretty excited about whatever I'm going to get.
This trip was different, This trip was to buy things that would be my dinners for the week, fulfill the diet plan, and hopefully not be purged. I felt lost in the store, almost like I'd never gone shopping for myself before. After putting in a few items I had to stop and pull myself together so I wouldn't cry in the store. I hate that I can't even do simple tasks without falling to pieces. I did get it together eventually and accomplished my mission. It doesn't quite cover what CA would have wanted, but baby steps. I can't image what it looked like to those around be as the skinny scared looking girl spent almost 2 hours picking 15 items to buy. In the end I bough fresh bread, turkey, fat free cheese, precooked chicken breasts, vegetable soups, fruit cups, and a pasta mix.
Today I have had my cup of coffee, my greek yogurt, a lunchable, cup of low fat cottage cheese, and then for dinner a small turkey and cheese sandwich (no dressing) and a fruit cup. I feel uncomfortably full. I am constantly fighting the urge to run and purge. I know I'd feel better, but I know that it would mean that I'm not getting any better. So I haven't and I won't tonight. I don't know how tomorrow will go with tonight ending so full.
The quote spoke to me because I'm having a really hard time asking for support from people in my life. I hint around the fact that I'm not good in hopes they will pick up on it and just be there for me, but that's unrealistic with as guarded as I typically am. The only times I seem to directly ask for help and support is normally a little too late for whatever immediate crisis and only because I'm drugged up on my ambien which is worse than a drunken conversation.
I need to share more of what I'm feeling with my friends and not feel like I'm only burdening them by asking for their support. That's going to very hard to do.
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