"Eating disorders, then, are really not about food. They are about how you feel about yourself; they are about low self esteem, a tremendous need to feel in control of yourself and your surroundings, unrelenting perfectionism, and an alienation of the mind from the body. They are also about a brain gone awry, frayed wires sparking and igniting as the brain is unable to process messages about food and anxiety normally. While an eating disorder usually begins as a deliberate act by the sufferer to lose weight in order to feel better, the eating disorder soon takes control of everything. As a person's problems become worse, the deeper one falls into the eating disorder. It's like living on a sinking ship, continually bailing out water, refusing to leave even as help arrives and the water level continues to rise. You still think you can saver your leaky boat- you do not trust the help, you cannot see the shore that beckons, and you fear the life raft that is being thrown to you won't keep you from drowning. I can't guarantee you that you will make it to shore if you abandon your leaky boat. But I can guarantee that you will surely drown if you do not let go."
-From Next to Nothing-Adolescent Mental Health Initiative
Session 3 with CA was today. I went in feeling very anxious. I barely got through the work day because all I could think about was how badly I had followed my meal plan. And even though I knew she wouldn't be mad or disappointed, that was my natural worry.
I tried really hard last Monday to follow the plan. But then the snow days hit and I just slipped back into familiar time off from work behaviors of eating little outside of beers and snacks with friends at bars. This week I started off good. I followed my plan exactly Monday and made it all the way to dinner on Tuesday on track. But then it just hit me... I felt so horribly full, bloated, fat. I couldn't handle it and I purged part of dinner. At least it wasn't a violent purge. We were off school again for weather Wednesday so I ate out with friends and had some beers and purged as usual.
Today I got back on track. Had my greek yogurt in the morning, sandwich at lunch, and a snack on the way to my session with CA. I felt disgusting and on edge all day. I feel like I'm gaining weight and I'm not sure I can handle it.
We talked about it and she explained the typical weight fluctuations in a normal young woman. Then she took me through what happens to women like me when they go into 2 month hospitalization for treatment. Here they have no choice but to follow their meal plan everyday and in doing so they tend to at first gain weight for a while. Since the body is still naturally in starvation mode, it will cling to anything coming in and that person will therefor become bloated from that and liquids. It doesn't last too long before it adjusts to the fact that it is not being starved anymore and most bulimics leave treatment thinner than they came in, but eating and keeping down more food than they ever had before treatment.
It all makes sense and really it wasn't anything I didn't already know... But this is me getting bloated and feeling almost nauseously full, and my scale going up. I have a lot of anxiety over how I'm going to handle that and if I'll be able to handle it at all. I'm already 5 pounds more than I want and to gain even more all on the faith that it will go back down soon. How soon?
I'm not sleeping through the nights anymore. I'm hoping its just due to a lingering cough, but CA is concerned it may be from my heightened anxiety during this part of treatment. I guess if it happens again tonight (which would make 5 nights of waking up starting at 3 or 4 with some nights not being able to sleep again and others able to have a few cat naps until the real time to get up) then I guess I'll have to call Dr. M. Only anxiety meds I'm willing to take are one at night. I don't want to be all drugged out during the day. I don't know how anyone can function that way.
I'm suppose to start finding inspirational books/quotes to help me through the rough patches. This feels like one of those times and I find it slightly funny that the first quote to catch my heart is the one that is used so frequently among the types of support groups I really don't want to join. Oh well, the prayer itself is just a classic and calms me tonight.
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace." -Serenity Prayer
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