I hear this in one form or another all the time. It's odd and confusing really. One, I don't want the me I use to be. There are parts of her I want and honestly that I don't believe ever left. Maybe there have been times that they aren't seen as clearly but I don't believe that I have truly lost any good part of my personality and being.
No matter where I am on the long and winding path towards recovery, I don't believe that I've stopped being the person those that care about me know or 'knew' as is sometimes put. I guess I should clear up here and now that this blog was created with the soul purpose of venting. It was a way to get my true unguarded emotions out before I could shut them down or bottle them up. And like all raw emotion, it can easily be misunderstood or generalized when it shouldn't be. (Also note that I shared it on advice from a therapist who assured me it was a good idea.)
If I have a bad day, it doesn't mean that everyday is a bad day. I get over stuff pretty fast. So if you actually know me and got concerned over some past posts where I said I was okay with starving I hope you take that with a grain of salt. I'm not okay with starving to death or to near death. I don't feel that I'm starving ever really. Raw emotions lead to exaggeration. On the other side, I'll be honest. Some times I post things about being ready for recovery and ending all my bad ways and that isn't always true for very long either. All I can say is this, right now I'm a bundle of contradiction and really have been so for years. It's just the first time ever that I've put it out there for others to read.
So if you are my friend and you do not wish to keep up with this blog for that reason, you will not hurt my feelings if you never read it again. I understand. If you do, please don't feel that you need to have an intervention because I have a bad day or few. I'm okay. I'm not great (that would be a total lie and I'm not going to lie on here). But I'm stable and I'm healthy physically. I have faith that I will get better and I need you to have faith in that too. It took a very long time to get where I am today and I've been better and I've been worse. It's going to take an equally long time (well I hope not quite equal) for me to ever be able to claim the label of recovered. I'm always going to have to take meds for depression and there will always be rough days or weeks even on it. I'm going to have some major work ahead of me to tackle the anxiety because I really do want to avoid medication for that. And the eating stuff... it's so complex and wrapped up in other things that it is going to be quite a ride to get to where I want to be. In the end, to my friends again I say, be patient with me. Don't give up on me or assume the worse. And have faith in the fact that I have lived with this for longer than I haven't and I have yet to be committed. That has to count for something. I'll be okay through the process on the good and bad days. I'll expand and contract from time to time. I have no working idea of how to just be one size. Neither one is indicative of me losing my mind or giving up to the disorder.
Also, the fact is that I'm happy right now. Maybe it isn't what you viewed as me happy in the past but I've also been miserable and dangerously self destructive since then. I'm not either of those things now. I'm okay with me and I'm liking my life in general and that's a pretty significant thing for me.
No one is the person they were 8 years ago and will never be again. Neither am I. Personally I'm looking forward to the me I'm heading towards eventually, bumps and all.
No matter where I am on the long and winding path towards recovery, I don't believe that I've stopped being the person those that care about me know or 'knew' as is sometimes put. I guess I should clear up here and now that this blog was created with the soul purpose of venting. It was a way to get my true unguarded emotions out before I could shut them down or bottle them up. And like all raw emotion, it can easily be misunderstood or generalized when it shouldn't be. (Also note that I shared it on advice from a therapist who assured me it was a good idea.)
If I have a bad day, it doesn't mean that everyday is a bad day. I get over stuff pretty fast. So if you actually know me and got concerned over some past posts where I said I was okay with starving I hope you take that with a grain of salt. I'm not okay with starving to death or to near death. I don't feel that I'm starving ever really. Raw emotions lead to exaggeration. On the other side, I'll be honest. Some times I post things about being ready for recovery and ending all my bad ways and that isn't always true for very long either. All I can say is this, right now I'm a bundle of contradiction and really have been so for years. It's just the first time ever that I've put it out there for others to read.
So if you are my friend and you do not wish to keep up with this blog for that reason, you will not hurt my feelings if you never read it again. I understand. If you do, please don't feel that you need to have an intervention because I have a bad day or few. I'm okay. I'm not great (that would be a total lie and I'm not going to lie on here). But I'm stable and I'm healthy physically. I have faith that I will get better and I need you to have faith in that too. It took a very long time to get where I am today and I've been better and I've been worse. It's going to take an equally long time (well I hope not quite equal) for me to ever be able to claim the label of recovered. I'm always going to have to take meds for depression and there will always be rough days or weeks even on it. I'm going to have some major work ahead of me to tackle the anxiety because I really do want to avoid medication for that. And the eating stuff... it's so complex and wrapped up in other things that it is going to be quite a ride to get to where I want to be. In the end, to my friends again I say, be patient with me. Don't give up on me or assume the worse. And have faith in the fact that I have lived with this for longer than I haven't and I have yet to be committed. That has to count for something. I'll be okay through the process on the good and bad days. I'll expand and contract from time to time. I have no working idea of how to just be one size. Neither one is indicative of me losing my mind or giving up to the disorder.
Also, the fact is that I'm happy right now. Maybe it isn't what you viewed as me happy in the past but I've also been miserable and dangerously self destructive since then. I'm not either of those things now. I'm okay with me and I'm liking my life in general and that's a pretty significant thing for me.
No one is the person they were 8 years ago and will never be again. Neither am I. Personally I'm looking forward to the me I'm heading towards eventually, bumps and all.
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