In "Why did I stop eating part 2" I think it was pretty clear that I don't handle loss very well or at all. All my other issues aside, how can you form and keep attachements to others when everytime you let someone in, really let them in, they leave you. I've lost (one way or another) so many people I have loved and it makes me distant and want to pull back completely.
I've been at my current school for 3 years total now and this summer at inservice was the first time I felt like I could start letting people in and maybe even form some real friendships. Three years later... I've cut out two family members because outside of everything else, it's easier to be the one rejecting than to be rejected. I can't even talk about loved ones that have passed. Especially my one that seems like it happened yesterday and that I still haven't dealt with. When people hear that I don't speak to my dad I always hear the same thing, "You have to take the time you have now, because who knows how long that is and you'll regret it when it's gone." I'm becoming a firm believer that it will actually help it hurt less. Less attachment, less pain.
It's kind of like love. Some people subscribe to the theory of "it is better to have loved and loss than to have never loved at all" and some people don't. I for one would rather never love than have to feel the pains I've seen my friends and family members go through. I'm not sold that it's anywhere near worth it.
So I have a wall up and always have. It's very hard to really get to know me. I'm freinds to many MANY people, but only a small number know a lot about me because I keep most of my experiences private. I remember a former roommate in college's response to me unloading a couple big ones on her, "I just don't know how you could keep that in!?" I don't understand how you can't. There are probably only two people on the planet that know everything about me and I'm not even 100% confident of that. But if you know more than half of my life events, struggles, and issues then you are part of the very few people I have let in. And I let that number get pretty big over the past years which makes me uncomfortable. Much bigger odds on losing yet another important person in my life and dealing with the pain and abandonment.
There's no worse feeling to me than that of being left or given up on. It's very hard to bounce back from that. Going to bed quite puffy eyed tonight.
I've been at my current school for 3 years total now and this summer at inservice was the first time I felt like I could start letting people in and maybe even form some real friendships. Three years later... I've cut out two family members because outside of everything else, it's easier to be the one rejecting than to be rejected. I can't even talk about loved ones that have passed. Especially my one that seems like it happened yesterday and that I still haven't dealt with. When people hear that I don't speak to my dad I always hear the same thing, "You have to take the time you have now, because who knows how long that is and you'll regret it when it's gone." I'm becoming a firm believer that it will actually help it hurt less. Less attachment, less pain.
It's kind of like love. Some people subscribe to the theory of "it is better to have loved and loss than to have never loved at all" and some people don't. I for one would rather never love than have to feel the pains I've seen my friends and family members go through. I'm not sold that it's anywhere near worth it.
So I have a wall up and always have. It's very hard to really get to know me. I'm freinds to many MANY people, but only a small number know a lot about me because I keep most of my experiences private. I remember a former roommate in college's response to me unloading a couple big ones on her, "I just don't know how you could keep that in!?" I don't understand how you can't. There are probably only two people on the planet that know everything about me and I'm not even 100% confident of that. But if you know more than half of my life events, struggles, and issues then you are part of the very few people I have let in. And I let that number get pretty big over the past years which makes me uncomfortable. Much bigger odds on losing yet another important person in my life and dealing with the pain and abandonment.
There's no worse feeling to me than that of being left or given up on. It's very hard to bounce back from that. Going to bed quite puffy eyed tonight.
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