I got up today and was shocked that I didn't gain weight over night. It's still interesting to me how much a history of ED effects the way you think. I didn't weigh myself for 2 days out of fear of what I'd see since I'm up north with the family. We went to dinner before a baseball game Thursday night and to 'fit in' and not draw unwanted attention to myself I ate way more than I wanted but refused to give in and purge. Funny thing about getting onto a semi normal eating schedule is that your body suddenly gets hungry again all the time (feels like it anyway). So I ate breakfast yesterday, which I hardly ever do. Skipped lunch because I actually didn't get up until like 11 but had a snack. Then we had a pretty heavy dinner and I ate a dilly bar a little later before we went out. Then I drank lots of beer (stupid empty calories) and we got food on the way home around 2. No purges.
Even as I write it all out it makes me feel bloated and confused at how I could weigh the same today as I did 2 days ago after eating all that food. Then I started thinking that most people wouldn't be surprised or interested in that fact. But then most people don't fixate on every single thing they ingest or weigh themselves at least once a day. And there is a classic example of the disordered thinking that is listed as a complication of ED. I think disorderly... ha. It's not really that funny but sometimes you just have to laugh at the ridiculous.
I'm overdue to see Dr. M, I've already expressed how little I'm looking forward to that visit, which is why I've been thinking a lot about treatment again and where to go from here. I'm torn again... I feel like I want to go all in again (which is always easier to say this time of year) but I just don't know how realistic that is during the school year. So I started off today researching a bit into ED and treatment and found an incredibly interesting article.
http://www.umm.edu/patiented/articles/what_eating_disorders_000049_1.htm
If you want a quick eating disorder education or a refresher there's your ED 101. There were a couple parts that really got to me personally. One, a lot of the lesser health effects (and by lesser I mean not death due to emaciation) are greater for those that have behaviors of both bulimia and anorexia. That sucks. I have to say that for one of the first times ever, I read the section on complications and really hope I haven't done any permanent damage that I don't know about. I also thought about how much I don't want to ever be that bad.
And then right when I was getting all determined to research treatment approaches more I stumble upon the most depressing part in my opinion. They were actually trying to put a bright spin on treatment because the statistics are pretty grim. They were trying to not make treatment sound like a gamble I suppose (which is what it feels like most of the time) and stated that in long term studies 70% of bulimics and 27-50% of anoretics are ED free within 10 years of treatment... within 10 years?!
It shouldn't be shocking. I've known it would be a long LONG process (which is probably why I rarely want to start) but to see it in black and white based on long term studies was depressing. And that was just the part of patients able to recover at all...
While looking at the overall picture of what recovery entails may seem daunting, just remember “One day at a time.” Besides, you’ve been to therapy and are very cognizant of your situation so technically you’ve already begun the recovery process. If you're not convinced, perhaps this article will help: http://www.eatingdisordersreview.com/nl/nl_edt_7_4_4.html
ReplyDeleteDespite your fear of having let in so many people, the best part is that unless you chose to, you don’t have to go at this alone. We love you and are behind you all the time, even if it may not seem like it at times.