I have a tendency to only have two emotional responses to life; numb or hypersensitive. When it comes to everyone else I am logical, empathetic, and compassionate. Haven't quite gotten those things down for myself. I don't ever really talk about this, but I spend most days in a constant state of doubt when it comes to other people. Do people like me? What do people think about me? Did I make this person mad? Did I dissappoint this person? Did I talk too much and annoy them? Did I get my point across the way I meant to or was I misunderstood? It's never ending. Most likely this comes from never feeling secure in my parent relationships as a child but it can be quite annoying and overwhelming.
So whether I am being oversensitive or not, right now I'm feeling very conflicted about the idea of 'support'. I don't feel all that supported right now. I feel doubted. I feel judged. I feel as if people see me as broken and in need of fixing. I feel as if I'm a burden. I feel as if some don't care at all. I feel that some people are distant. I feel attacked. I feel questioned. I feel ignored. I feel underestimated. I feel misunderstood.
For someone who's feelings typically consist of various levels of 'fine' I guess it's progress or a good sign at least that I can articulate any of those feelings. I don't even know how many of my friends that I've shared this blog with actually still read it (and after this post maybe less is better...) and I'm by no means feeling all those things about any one person in my life. It doesn't even apply at all to some. But I'm becoming quite cynical of the term 'support'.
I'm not sure what I think it should look or feel like, but I know that I don't really like the way it looks and feels right now. My feelings on the topic are why I chose to write an elegy as if Support were a person. I sort of feel like it died.
Right now, if I could, I would take it all back. I would have never told a single person that I struggled with depression or ED. I haven't really gotten anything positive out of sharing.
So whether I am being oversensitive or not, right now I'm feeling very conflicted about the idea of 'support'. I don't feel all that supported right now. I feel doubted. I feel judged. I feel as if people see me as broken and in need of fixing. I feel as if I'm a burden. I feel as if some don't care at all. I feel that some people are distant. I feel attacked. I feel questioned. I feel ignored. I feel underestimated. I feel misunderstood.
For someone who's feelings typically consist of various levels of 'fine' I guess it's progress or a good sign at least that I can articulate any of those feelings. I don't even know how many of my friends that I've shared this blog with actually still read it (and after this post maybe less is better...) and I'm by no means feeling all those things about any one person in my life. It doesn't even apply at all to some. But I'm becoming quite cynical of the term 'support'.
I'm not sure what I think it should look or feel like, but I know that I don't really like the way it looks and feels right now. My feelings on the topic are why I chose to write an elegy as if Support were a person. I sort of feel like it died.
Right now, if I could, I would take it all back. I would have never told a single person that I struggled with depression or ED. I haven't really gotten anything positive out of sharing.
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