We just want back the you that you used to be...

I hear this in one form or another all the time.  It's odd and confusing really.  One, I don't want the me I use to be.  There are parts of her I want and honestly that I don't believe ever left.  Maybe there have been times that they aren't seen as clearly but I don't believe that I have truly lost any good part of my personality and being.

No matter where I am on the long and winding path towards recovery, I don't believe that I've stopped being the person those that care about me know or 'knew' as is sometimes put.  I guess I should clear up here and now that this blog was created with the soul purpose of venting.  It was a way to get my true unguarded emotions out before I could shut them down or bottle them up.  And like all raw emotion, it can easily be misunderstood or generalized when it shouldn't be.  (Also note that I shared it on advice from a therapist who assured me it was a good idea.)

If I have a bad day, it doesn't mean that everyday is a bad day.  I get over stuff pretty fast.  So if you actually know me and got concerned over some past posts where I said I was okay with starving I hope you take that with a grain of salt.  I'm not okay with starving to death or to near death.  I don't feel that I'm starving ever really.  Raw emotions lead to exaggeration.  On the other side, I'll be honest.  Some times I post things about being ready for recovery and ending all my bad ways and that isn't always true for very long either.  All I can say is this, right now I'm a bundle of contradiction and really have been so for years.  It's just the first time ever that I've put it out there for others to read.

So if you are my friend and you do not wish to keep up with this blog for that reason, you will not hurt my feelings if you never read it again.  I understand.  If you do, please don't feel that you need to have an intervention because I have a bad day or few.  I'm okay.  I'm not great (that would be a total lie and I'm not going to lie on here).  But I'm stable and I'm healthy physically.  I have faith that I will get better and I need you to have faith in that too.  It took a very long time to get where I am today and I've been better and I've been worse.  It's going to take an equally long time (well I hope not quite equal) for me to ever be able to claim the label of recovered.  I'm always going to have to take meds for depression and there will always be rough days or weeks even on it.  I'm going to have some major work ahead of me to tackle the anxiety because I really do want to avoid medication for that.  And the eating stuff... it's so complex and wrapped up in other things that it is going to be quite a ride to get to where I want to be.  In the end, to my friends again I say, be patient with me.  Don't give up on me or assume the worse.  And have faith in the fact that I have lived with this for longer than I haven't and I have yet to be committed.  That has to count for something.  I'll be okay through the process on the good and bad days.  I'll expand and contract from time to time.  I have no working idea of how to just be one size.  Neither one is indicative of me losing my mind or giving up to the disorder.

Also, the fact is that I'm happy right now.  Maybe it isn't what you viewed as me happy in the past but I've also been miserable and dangerously self destructive since then.  I'm not either of those things now.  I'm okay with me and I'm liking my life in general and that's a pretty significant thing for me.

No one is the person they were 8 years ago and will never be again.  Neither am I.  Personally I'm looking forward to the me I'm heading towards eventually, bumps and all.  

Loss

In "Why did I stop eating part 2" I think it was pretty clear that I don't handle loss very well or at all.  All my other issues aside, how can you form and keep attachements to others when everytime you let someone in, really let them in, they leave you.  I've lost (one way or another) so many people I have loved and it makes me distant and want to pull back completely. 

I've been at my current school for 3 years total now and this summer at inservice was the first time I felt like I could start letting people in and maybe even form some real friendships.  Three years later... I've cut out two family members because outside of everything else, it's easier to be the one rejecting than to be rejected.  I can't even talk about loved ones that have passed.  Especially my one that seems like it happened yesterday and that I still haven't dealt with.  When people hear that I don't speak to my dad I always hear the same thing, "You have to take the time you have now, because who knows how long that is and you'll regret it when it's gone."  I'm becoming a firm believer that it will actually help it hurt less.  Less attachment, less pain. 

It's kind of like love.  Some people subscribe to the theory of "it is better to have loved and loss than to have never loved at all" and some people don't.  I for one would rather never love than have to feel the pains I've seen my friends and family members go through.  I'm not sold that it's anywhere near worth it. 

So I have a wall up and always have.  It's very hard to really get to know me.  I'm freinds to many MANY people, but only a small number know a lot about me because I keep most of my experiences private.  I remember a former roommate in college's response to me unloading a couple big ones on her, "I just don't know how you could keep that in!?"  I don't understand how you can't.  There are probably only two people on the planet that know everything about me and I'm not even 100% confident of that.  But if you know more than half of my life events, struggles, and issues then you are part of the very few people I have let in.  And I let that number get pretty big over the past years which makes me uncomfortable.  Much bigger odds on losing yet another important person in my life and dealing with the pain and abandonment. 

There's no worse feeling to me than that of being left or given up on.  It's very hard to bounce back from that.  Going to bed quite puffy eyed tonight.

Hypersentitive?

I have a tendency to only have two emotional responses to life; numb or hypersensitive.  When it comes to everyone else I am logical, empathetic, and compassionate.  Haven't quite gotten those things down for myself.  I don't ever really talk about this, but I spend most days in a constant state of doubt when it comes to other people.  Do people like me?  What do people think about me?  Did I make this person mad?  Did I dissappoint this person?  Did I talk too much and annoy them?  Did I get my point across the way I meant to or was I misunderstood?  It's never ending.  Most likely this comes from never feeling secure in my parent relationships as a child but it can be quite annoying and overwhelming. 

So whether I am being oversensitive or not, right now I'm feeling very conflicted about the idea of 'support'.  I don't feel all that supported right now.  I feel doubted.  I feel judged.  I feel as if people see me as broken and in need of fixing.  I feel as if I'm a burden.  I feel as if some don't care at all.  I feel that some people are distant.  I feel attacked.  I feel questioned.  I feel ignored.  I feel underestimated.  I feel misunderstood.

For someone who's feelings typically consist of various levels of 'fine' I guess it's progress or a good sign at least that I can articulate any of those feelings.  I don't even know how many of my friends that I've shared this blog with actually still read it (and after this post maybe less is better...) and I'm by no means feeling all those things about any one person in my life.  It doesn't even apply at all to some.  But I'm becoming quite cynical of the term 'support'. 

I'm not sure what I think it should look or feel like, but I know that I don't really like the way it looks and feels right now.  My feelings on the topic are why I chose to write an elegy as if Support were a person.  I sort of feel like it died. 

Right now, if I could, I would take it all back.  I would have never told a single person that I struggled with depression or ED.  I haven't really gotten anything positive out of sharing. 

Elegy

Support was always my tower of strength,
Until the day I realized she hid her true face.
Her acceptance was always at arm's length,
Dissaproval made up her cold embrace.