Truth, I don't want to. I can't explain it well. It's not that I want to just stop because I am 'fine', though most of the time I do feel fine. It's more I think that this particular psychologist (S) and dietician (CA) are not for me. I've made excuses for them. I like S because she is smart and to the point. I like CA (thought I hate her by definition because she tells me what to eat), because she is the nicest person you will ever meet. But in the end they are both very religious, though S hides it better, and I am not. I don't believe in 'God". I'm not sure what I believe in, but it's not the 'Christian God'. I don't believe in organized religion at all and I think it does more damage in the grand scheme of things in humanity than good at this point in our history. I hold true to Bill Maher's idea that we need to be rid of it in order to evolve to a peaceful, logical, and truly caring species. But I'm also a die hard socialist which is all that more ironic (as I think of all the Christians that flinch at the mention of the S word) since if Jesus walked the Earth today, he would vote democratic in the US and be socialist leaning in general because he in fact preached and lived a life of putting the greater good and good for anyone he came across in front of his own. Jesus would have never ignored the poor or less fortunate because it might cost him a few hundred dollars more a year in taxes (not to piss anyone off but don't tell me you're truly Christian if you think a few extra hundred dollars in your pocket is more important than the welfare of others- period.) He would have supported and dare I say expected his followers with much to share with those with little. But I totally digress and you get my point. How can I subscribe to any religion here in the states when they are all so hypocritical. And that doesn't even bring Science and Historical fact into it. So in the end these two wonderful and experience women are not for me. I just can't connect with a team that truly believes that church and religious support groups are the key to my health. That stuff works great with those that have that kind of faith, but I do not.
So obviously these two clinicians (S and CA) are just not for me. But I lie to my psychiatrist too. She has been totally off my case since she knew I was seeing them so I just happened to not mention that I haven't seen them in over a month when I saw her this week. Thing is, I research, experience, read, and talk to enough people like me or similar in some way to me to have a very good idea of what meds I should be on. I don't take advantage. I could have anything I want, but only suggest things I think are minimally needed. I don't like drugs in general and am never happy to add to my list. It's a pride thing. Anxiety, however, has been disabling lately for me so I did fib a bit (told her I'd been on it in the past) and lead Dr. M to prescribe me Klonopin. I'm just not ready for Xanax yet. It works wonders for several dear friends but I think this is a good start. I take it at night to help with the stressmares, and against doctors orders (or rather not with them) I take them during the day when I feel the need. So far it has made daily life so much more manageable. So as I told Dr. M, if I have to choose between my pride and my sanity then I guess I'll go with my sanity.
I do need to find a new therapist and I realize this. I don't think I'm ready for a dietician yet. It was just so hard. I'd need at least Klonopin and Xanax if not Lithium too to really make it through days with the the big D. It was way too much for me. I was truly a basket case. But this whole thing is more than just being uncomfortable. It's easy to say, oh she couldn't hack it and ran away as always. Trust me I don't need anyone to tell me that. I am, always have been, and always will be my hardest and most unfair critic. I just can't put into words the anxiety finding new therapists causes me. I hate everything about the process. But I have come to realize a few key points. I'm not bulimic. I have to stop telling the intake receptionist or nurse that I am out of convenience and simplicity. As I said in my last post I'm simply not nor will I ever be bulimic.
I have to stop saying I am, or rather allow myself to be pigeon holed into the diagnosis every time. It gives me an easy out. It's very easy for me to manipulate sessions and avoid the real issues when bulimia is their working assumption. When you are bulimic there are certain techniques and focuses that all of the team works on. I think the idea of getting someone to stop binging and purging is more concrete and easier to develop a plan for. Since I don't binge, in general these plans of attack are not affective on me. I live my life as an anoretic 'at heart' and though I have never been successful of 'earning' the title due to weight (which feeds right into the failure complex), it is the way my brain works. It been better, it's been worse. It's up in the air which time in my life was better psychologically.
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