I haven't been doing well with my diet plan. I guess it started two weeks before Spring Break. I had an intense fear of gaining weight over my trip with cousin K. It's our thing to road trip all over and one of the highlights is always eating all the amazing food each city has to offer. This is a nightmare for me though trying to get into recovery. But I also refuse to ruin our annual trips because of my eating and food issues. Which means I restricted as much as I could the two weeks before to lose as much weight as I could in case I gained any while gone. Then I spent the week eating whatever we wanted and was grateful for every public toilet I found with privacy for purging. I purged 2-3 times a day the 6 days we were traveling about. Sad thing is that she thought I was doing well. K just hasn't been around me enough since she found out to not be blinded by my song and dance of being ok.
What I hate the most is that I will always look back on these trips with my most distinct memories being what we ate and how long it was before I could purge and every bathroom I found to purge in. It's just so sad that the most exciting moments for me during the whole trip was walking into a public bathroom to find it empty and knowing that I could keep my secret.
Since I've been back I decided that I would have to really restrict to make up for the week of bingeing. It wound up being horrible. I would eat my greek yogurt and maybe something small at work but then come home and eat what I wanted. I don't eat anything I want that doesn't make me feel that I must purge it. So... I purged every night last week. I didn't eat anything all day Saturday until on my way home from friends late I stopped as Whataburger for a number 9 (My fav). I went home and ate it almost without tasting it and then purged. I then ate nothing today until the evening when I ate the rest of the things in the house that I didn't want to tempt me anymore. So I ate one, purged, ate the second, purged, and then ate the last and purged. I don't get dizzy, lightheaded, and weak when I purge but I did today. I don't feel good at all right now. But it's all gone now so there's nothing to tempt me and I'm not going shopping this week. An empty fridge is safer.
But tomorrow's a new start. No more dinner drama. I'll have my coffees, greek yogurt for lunch, maybe a small snack, and then a cup of cottage cheese so that I'm keeping my protein up. But I'm done with dinner right now. It's too complicated and I really need to lose 8 pounds to feel okay right now. Once I get there CA and I can figure out how to handle dinner in a way that isn't going to make me purge or get fat. Because I'm NOT going to gain weight. Not an option.
My vitals are good, all my blood work and tests came back good. My hair looks healthy and great according to my stylist. Everything is fine right now. I'm fine right now. I'm being honest and for now that's all I have. I see S on Thursday and I think we're going to need to reevaluate our sessions because what we've been doing isn't working.
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