I got up today and was shocked that I didn't gain weight over night. It's still interesting to me how much a history of ED effects the way you think. I didn't weigh myself for 2 days out of fear of what I'd see since I'm up north with the family. We went to dinner before a baseball game Thursday night and to 'fit in' and not draw unwanted attention to myself I ate way more than I wanted but refused to give in and purge. Funny thing about getting onto a semi normal eating schedule is that your body suddenly gets hungry again all the time (feels like it anyway). So I ate breakfast yesterday, which I hardly ever do. Skipped lunch because I actually didn't get up until like 11 but had a snack. Then we had a pretty heavy dinner and I ate a dilly bar a little later before we went out. Then I drank lots of beer (stupid empty calories) and we got food on the way home around 2. No purges.
Even as I write it all out it makes me feel bloated and confused at how I could weigh the same today as I did 2 days ago after eating all that food. Then I started thinking that most people wouldn't be surprised or interested in that fact. But then most people don't fixate on every single thing they ingest or weigh themselves at least once a day. And there is a classic example of the disordered thinking that is listed as a complication of ED. I think disorderly... ha. It's not really that funny but sometimes you just have to laugh at the ridiculous.
I'm overdue to see Dr. M, I've already expressed how little I'm looking forward to that visit, which is why I've been thinking a lot about treatment again and where to go from here. I'm torn again... I feel like I want to go all in again (which is always easier to say this time of year) but I just don't know how realistic that is during the school year. So I started off today researching a bit into ED and treatment and found an incredibly interesting article.
http://www.umm.edu/patiented/articles/what_eating_disorders_000049_1.htm
If you want a quick eating disorder education or a refresher there's your ED 101. There were a couple parts that really got to me personally. One, a lot of the lesser health effects (and by lesser I mean not death due to emaciation) are greater for those that have behaviors of both bulimia and anorexia. That sucks. I have to say that for one of the first times ever, I read the section on complications and really hope I haven't done any permanent damage that I don't know about. I also thought about how much I don't want to ever be that bad.
And then right when I was getting all determined to research treatment approaches more I stumble upon the most depressing part in my opinion. They were actually trying to put a bright spin on treatment because the statistics are pretty grim. They were trying to not make treatment sound like a gamble I suppose (which is what it feels like most of the time) and stated that in long term studies 70% of bulimics and 27-50% of anoretics are ED free within 10 years of treatment... within 10 years?!
It shouldn't be shocking. I've known it would be a long LONG process (which is probably why I rarely want to start) but to see it in black and white based on long term studies was depressing. And that was just the part of patients able to recover at all...
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
We just want back the you that you used to be...
I hear this in one form or another all the time. It's odd and confusing really. One, I don't want the me I use to be. There are parts of her I want and honestly that I don't believe ever left. Maybe there have been times that they aren't seen as clearly but I don't believe that I have truly lost any good part of my personality and being.
No matter where I am on the long and winding path towards recovery, I don't believe that I've stopped being the person those that care about me know or 'knew' as is sometimes put. I guess I should clear up here and now that this blog was created with the soul purpose of venting. It was a way to get my true unguarded emotions out before I could shut them down or bottle them up. And like all raw emotion, it can easily be misunderstood or generalized when it shouldn't be. (Also note that I shared it on advice from a therapist who assured me it was a good idea.)
If I have a bad day, it doesn't mean that everyday is a bad day. I get over stuff pretty fast. So if you actually know me and got concerned over some past posts where I said I was okay with starving I hope you take that with a grain of salt. I'm not okay with starving to death or to near death. I don't feel that I'm starving ever really. Raw emotions lead to exaggeration. On the other side, I'll be honest. Some times I post things about being ready for recovery and ending all my bad ways and that isn't always true for very long either. All I can say is this, right now I'm a bundle of contradiction and really have been so for years. It's just the first time ever that I've put it out there for others to read.
So if you are my friend and you do not wish to keep up with this blog for that reason, you will not hurt my feelings if you never read it again. I understand. If you do, please don't feel that you need to have an intervention because I have a bad day or few. I'm okay. I'm not great (that would be a total lie and I'm not going to lie on here). But I'm stable and I'm healthy physically. I have faith that I will get better and I need you to have faith in that too. It took a very long time to get where I am today and I've been better and I've been worse. It's going to take an equally long time (well I hope not quite equal) for me to ever be able to claim the label of recovered. I'm always going to have to take meds for depression and there will always be rough days or weeks even on it. I'm going to have some major work ahead of me to tackle the anxiety because I really do want to avoid medication for that. And the eating stuff... it's so complex and wrapped up in other things that it is going to be quite a ride to get to where I want to be. In the end, to my friends again I say, be patient with me. Don't give up on me or assume the worse. And have faith in the fact that I have lived with this for longer than I haven't and I have yet to be committed. That has to count for something. I'll be okay through the process on the good and bad days. I'll expand and contract from time to time. I have no working idea of how to just be one size. Neither one is indicative of me losing my mind or giving up to the disorder.
Also, the fact is that I'm happy right now. Maybe it isn't what you viewed as me happy in the past but I've also been miserable and dangerously self destructive since then. I'm not either of those things now. I'm okay with me and I'm liking my life in general and that's a pretty significant thing for me.
No one is the person they were 8 years ago and will never be again. Neither am I. Personally I'm looking forward to the me I'm heading towards eventually, bumps and all.
No matter where I am on the long and winding path towards recovery, I don't believe that I've stopped being the person those that care about me know or 'knew' as is sometimes put. I guess I should clear up here and now that this blog was created with the soul purpose of venting. It was a way to get my true unguarded emotions out before I could shut them down or bottle them up. And like all raw emotion, it can easily be misunderstood or generalized when it shouldn't be. (Also note that I shared it on advice from a therapist who assured me it was a good idea.)
If I have a bad day, it doesn't mean that everyday is a bad day. I get over stuff pretty fast. So if you actually know me and got concerned over some past posts where I said I was okay with starving I hope you take that with a grain of salt. I'm not okay with starving to death or to near death. I don't feel that I'm starving ever really. Raw emotions lead to exaggeration. On the other side, I'll be honest. Some times I post things about being ready for recovery and ending all my bad ways and that isn't always true for very long either. All I can say is this, right now I'm a bundle of contradiction and really have been so for years. It's just the first time ever that I've put it out there for others to read.
So if you are my friend and you do not wish to keep up with this blog for that reason, you will not hurt my feelings if you never read it again. I understand. If you do, please don't feel that you need to have an intervention because I have a bad day or few. I'm okay. I'm not great (that would be a total lie and I'm not going to lie on here). But I'm stable and I'm healthy physically. I have faith that I will get better and I need you to have faith in that too. It took a very long time to get where I am today and I've been better and I've been worse. It's going to take an equally long time (well I hope not quite equal) for me to ever be able to claim the label of recovered. I'm always going to have to take meds for depression and there will always be rough days or weeks even on it. I'm going to have some major work ahead of me to tackle the anxiety because I really do want to avoid medication for that. And the eating stuff... it's so complex and wrapped up in other things that it is going to be quite a ride to get to where I want to be. In the end, to my friends again I say, be patient with me. Don't give up on me or assume the worse. And have faith in the fact that I have lived with this for longer than I haven't and I have yet to be committed. That has to count for something. I'll be okay through the process on the good and bad days. I'll expand and contract from time to time. I have no working idea of how to just be one size. Neither one is indicative of me losing my mind or giving up to the disorder.
Also, the fact is that I'm happy right now. Maybe it isn't what you viewed as me happy in the past but I've also been miserable and dangerously self destructive since then. I'm not either of those things now. I'm okay with me and I'm liking my life in general and that's a pretty significant thing for me.
No one is the person they were 8 years ago and will never be again. Neither am I. Personally I'm looking forward to the me I'm heading towards eventually, bumps and all.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Loss
In "Why did I stop eating part 2" I think it was pretty clear that I don't handle loss very well or at all. All my other issues aside, how can you form and keep attachements to others when everytime you let someone in, really let them in, they leave you. I've lost (one way or another) so many people I have loved and it makes me distant and want to pull back completely.
I've been at my current school for 3 years total now and this summer at inservice was the first time I felt like I could start letting people in and maybe even form some real friendships. Three years later... I've cut out two family members because outside of everything else, it's easier to be the one rejecting than to be rejected. I can't even talk about loved ones that have passed. Especially my one that seems like it happened yesterday and that I still haven't dealt with. When people hear that I don't speak to my dad I always hear the same thing, "You have to take the time you have now, because who knows how long that is and you'll regret it when it's gone." I'm becoming a firm believer that it will actually help it hurt less. Less attachment, less pain.
It's kind of like love. Some people subscribe to the theory of "it is better to have loved and loss than to have never loved at all" and some people don't. I for one would rather never love than have to feel the pains I've seen my friends and family members go through. I'm not sold that it's anywhere near worth it.
So I have a wall up and always have. It's very hard to really get to know me. I'm freinds to many MANY people, but only a small number know a lot about me because I keep most of my experiences private. I remember a former roommate in college's response to me unloading a couple big ones on her, "I just don't know how you could keep that in!?" I don't understand how you can't. There are probably only two people on the planet that know everything about me and I'm not even 100% confident of that. But if you know more than half of my life events, struggles, and issues then you are part of the very few people I have let in. And I let that number get pretty big over the past years which makes me uncomfortable. Much bigger odds on losing yet another important person in my life and dealing with the pain and abandonment.
There's no worse feeling to me than that of being left or given up on. It's very hard to bounce back from that. Going to bed quite puffy eyed tonight.
I've been at my current school for 3 years total now and this summer at inservice was the first time I felt like I could start letting people in and maybe even form some real friendships. Three years later... I've cut out two family members because outside of everything else, it's easier to be the one rejecting than to be rejected. I can't even talk about loved ones that have passed. Especially my one that seems like it happened yesterday and that I still haven't dealt with. When people hear that I don't speak to my dad I always hear the same thing, "You have to take the time you have now, because who knows how long that is and you'll regret it when it's gone." I'm becoming a firm believer that it will actually help it hurt less. Less attachment, less pain.
It's kind of like love. Some people subscribe to the theory of "it is better to have loved and loss than to have never loved at all" and some people don't. I for one would rather never love than have to feel the pains I've seen my friends and family members go through. I'm not sold that it's anywhere near worth it.
So I have a wall up and always have. It's very hard to really get to know me. I'm freinds to many MANY people, but only a small number know a lot about me because I keep most of my experiences private. I remember a former roommate in college's response to me unloading a couple big ones on her, "I just don't know how you could keep that in!?" I don't understand how you can't. There are probably only two people on the planet that know everything about me and I'm not even 100% confident of that. But if you know more than half of my life events, struggles, and issues then you are part of the very few people I have let in. And I let that number get pretty big over the past years which makes me uncomfortable. Much bigger odds on losing yet another important person in my life and dealing with the pain and abandonment.
There's no worse feeling to me than that of being left or given up on. It's very hard to bounce back from that. Going to bed quite puffy eyed tonight.
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