I haven't been doing well with my diet plan. I guess it started two weeks before Spring Break. I had an intense fear of gaining weight over my trip with cousin K. It's our thing to road trip all over and one of the highlights is always eating all the amazing food each city has to offer. This is a nightmare for me though trying to get into recovery. But I also refuse to ruin our annual trips because of my eating and food issues. Which means I restricted as much as I could the two weeks before to lose as much weight as I could in case I gained any while gone. Then I spent the week eating whatever we wanted and was grateful for every public toilet I found with privacy for purging. I purged 2-3 times a day the 6 days we were traveling about. Sad thing is that she thought I was doing well. K just hasn't been around me enough since she found out to not be blinded by my song and dance of being ok.
What I hate the most is that I will always look back on these trips with my most distinct memories being what we ate and how long it was before I could purge and every bathroom I found to purge in. It's just so sad that the most exciting moments for me during the whole trip was walking into a public bathroom to find it empty and knowing that I could keep my secret.
Since I've been back I decided that I would have to really restrict to make up for the week of bingeing. It wound up being horrible. I would eat my greek yogurt and maybe something small at work but then come home and eat what I wanted. I don't eat anything I want that doesn't make me feel that I must purge it. So... I purged every night last week. I didn't eat anything all day Saturday until on my way home from friends late I stopped as Whataburger for a number 9 (My fav). I went home and ate it almost without tasting it and then purged. I then ate nothing today until the evening when I ate the rest of the things in the house that I didn't want to tempt me anymore. So I ate one, purged, ate the second, purged, and then ate the last and purged. I don't get dizzy, lightheaded, and weak when I purge but I did today. I don't feel good at all right now. But it's all gone now so there's nothing to tempt me and I'm not going shopping this week. An empty fridge is safer.
But tomorrow's a new start. No more dinner drama. I'll have my coffees, greek yogurt for lunch, maybe a small snack, and then a cup of cottage cheese so that I'm keeping my protein up. But I'm done with dinner right now. It's too complicated and I really need to lose 8 pounds to feel okay right now. Once I get there CA and I can figure out how to handle dinner in a way that isn't going to make me purge or get fat. Because I'm NOT going to gain weight. Not an option.
My vitals are good, all my blood work and tests came back good. My hair looks healthy and great according to my stylist. Everything is fine right now. I'm fine right now. I'm being honest and for now that's all I have. I see S on Thursday and I think we're going to need to reevaluate our sessions because what we've been doing isn't working.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
This is why I avoid doctors...
I have never been a fan of going to the doctor. Call it avoidance of medical issues or attention (it probably was) but I've never liked the feel of the doctor's office, the demeanor of the nurses, the indifference of the doctors or how much more about getting money it is over patient care. I avoid going to a general practitioner because it is never a good experience. The first thing you do is step on a scale, fully clothed, and have to look at a number that is always larger than the one I see the three times a day I step on my scale. And even though I know that the larger number is due to the clothing and other variables, it's still a bigger number and that just starts the visit with heightened anxiety. Next you go through the nurse intake questions. This is always the awkward part. I never know how much of my history they read. Do they know I'm ED? If not should I tell them or just the doc? If they do are they judging me? Next comes the doctor who I only request as female. No matter what I'm there for I will historically down play symptoms. I'm always convinced I'm not that sick and often feel guilty for taking their time. And I'm closed off in general so if they don't ask the right question, they won't get the right answer. Then there is always their quick jump to and willingness to prescribe me any psychiatric med I could want without really understanding the specific details of my disorders or a background in these medications. Today's visit, however, was this bad plus oh so much more.
Today I had to take an appointment with a different doctor so that I could get in later and sooner. I went for the chronic cough I've had that makes me sound like I'm about to die but doesn't make me feel bad physically any other way. I had to take an appointment with a male doctor. I never see male doctors because it is my opinion and experience that they suck. Today was an excellent example of why I feel that way. Picture me as a brand new patient to a 40 something year old, recently married to a younger woman, with a couple young kids who is a practicing doctor but also gives speeches about his theory on wellness and health, has a radio show, and is writing a book (all of which we spent most of our session talking about... or he did the talking at any rate).
The nurse brings me back and weighs me facing the scale so that I saw the weight 111 which is an issue in itself because my scale is off 4 pounds and that sent me into huge anxiety. But this is still about 20 pounds less than what I weighed last April which calmed me some but also make me mad that I let myself gain all that weight. She takes my BP and it was really good (sign lower than last time, but its better numbers now so I don't think that's a concern). She leaves.
In comes Doc. I've name him this because he presented himself as someone who would go by Doc. So Doc comes in all casual and confident and he pulls up my charts on the computer. I just waited as I always do for them to read the ED. He sees it listed as Bulimia (use to be easier just to say that's what I have). He then looks at me in a confused/analytical manner and says "You have bulimia?" His tone and questioning look was everything I fear in these situations. Basically thoughts like but you seem so normal, your way not fat, you don't look anorexic. The later thought always gets me the most since I would in fact like to be truly anorexic and be thin enough to warrant the label. I'm actively getting help so that that isn't what I want anymore, but it is what it is now, but thanks Doc for bringing it up. Then when I corrected him that I have EDNOS, he says he doesn't know what that is. I clarify Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified and got a blank look and "I've never heard of that one." That one!? It's only the most talked about ED recently and I hear up for much debate when the next DM comes out. I mean I know you're just a medical doctor, but I would expect as a general practitioner who works with women that you would have some basic medical and treatment knowledge on a disorder that effects a huge amount of women of all ages. Just sayin.
Next thing he says in response or maybe to fill the awkward silence was "I dated a model once when I was younger. She was bulimic. She was hot as hell though." Ok, really? How do you not know that that's not okay and inappropriate. She had a potentially deadly disease... but she was hot?! Thanks ass.
Next up anxiety discussion where he was more than willing to write me some scripts for that without knowing an in depth background on my treatment and medical and psychiatric history. It's just wrong and dangerous that so many doctors do this. He not trained or specialized in psychiatric disorders (by his own admission) and therefore has no moral right to prescribe medication for disorders he doesn't understand. Oh and he thinks he understands anxiety. He's over come his from his past. Well mine come from a lot of different things, but the current height is due to the ED behaviors and me trying to decrease their occurrence.
Then I got to listen all about his theories on medicine and wellness. Not that he didn't have some interesting theories and thoughts, but this visit was about me, the patient, not you the guy trying to presale his book. Blah! And in explaining his theory on predicting where you will be health wise in a year or more by looking at the average experiences of the past year was just so uplifting. I mean hello dumbass, I'm on meds for depression, anxiety, sleep, and migrains and I see a psychiatrist, psychologist, neurologist (though thankfully no more if Dr M. keeps prescribing for me), and a dietician. Pretty sure I've had a pretty shitty past year. Thanks for sharing that your theory is that in a year from now I'm not going to be much better than I am right now. Even though it made since in his long explanation, what jerk tells that to someone trying for the first time to really do treatment and work on this for real?
And he doesn't feel my treatment team will resolve my anxiety. His other theory is all about taking us back to primal instincts and fears. He wants me to start rock climbing, rope courses, kickboxing, and running (not jogging but sprinting). His theory made since, but anyone who knows me knows these are a far cry from anything you'd catch me doing on my Saturdays. May have left with a better taste in my mouth if he hadn't said while pushing the rock climbing thing again "you need to get your skinny butt out there." On my way home I repeated ass, but I'm really hoping that was me putting it in the memory because I hear the phrase skinny ass more. I'm really hoping that he didn't actually say ass, though maybe. Either way, really?! It's just so male! I don't know how to talk to an ED girl so I'll make comments about how skinny she is.
So not helpful when your treatment team thinks you're still losing weight and they don't want you to and when you yourself take every complement you hear as validation for your self starvation. I don't stand a chance of eating over 400 cal in a day if someone has complimented my weight/size that day.
He actually ordered a lot of labs I needed done anyway and wants to have another meeting to go over them even if they are all normal so that we can talk about making them even better. I'll see him that time and then no more. Another note though, when discussing why I should come back in a week to discuss the results he made the comment "I'm sure your boringly healthy but..." Who says that to someone in intense treatment for an eating disorder? Sure, my labs might be fine they normally are. Yes, I look fine. But it has been my treatment team's job to warn me and educate me on all the bad I'm doing to my body and it's possible we're going to find some not so good stuff. But even if I am 'boringly health' I'm going down a road that if I don't get in check and better, I will be far from healthy and that's where my head's got to be at. As my doctor he should know that, shouldn't he?
So no more male doctors... ever! I am now searching for a good general practitioner who has experience with ED patients and good references from former/current ED patients. Not sure how to go about finding that. I guess I'll ask CA when I see her.
Today I had to take an appointment with a different doctor so that I could get in later and sooner. I went for the chronic cough I've had that makes me sound like I'm about to die but doesn't make me feel bad physically any other way. I had to take an appointment with a male doctor. I never see male doctors because it is my opinion and experience that they suck. Today was an excellent example of why I feel that way. Picture me as a brand new patient to a 40 something year old, recently married to a younger woman, with a couple young kids who is a practicing doctor but also gives speeches about his theory on wellness and health, has a radio show, and is writing a book (all of which we spent most of our session talking about... or he did the talking at any rate).
The nurse brings me back and weighs me facing the scale so that I saw the weight 111 which is an issue in itself because my scale is off 4 pounds and that sent me into huge anxiety. But this is still about 20 pounds less than what I weighed last April which calmed me some but also make me mad that I let myself gain all that weight. She takes my BP and it was really good (sign lower than last time, but its better numbers now so I don't think that's a concern). She leaves.
In comes Doc. I've name him this because he presented himself as someone who would go by Doc. So Doc comes in all casual and confident and he pulls up my charts on the computer. I just waited as I always do for them to read the ED. He sees it listed as Bulimia (use to be easier just to say that's what I have). He then looks at me in a confused/analytical manner and says "You have bulimia?" His tone and questioning look was everything I fear in these situations. Basically thoughts like but you seem so normal, your way not fat, you don't look anorexic. The later thought always gets me the most since I would in fact like to be truly anorexic and be thin enough to warrant the label. I'm actively getting help so that that isn't what I want anymore, but it is what it is now, but thanks Doc for bringing it up. Then when I corrected him that I have EDNOS, he says he doesn't know what that is. I clarify Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified and got a blank look and "I've never heard of that one." That one!? It's only the most talked about ED recently and I hear up for much debate when the next DM comes out. I mean I know you're just a medical doctor, but I would expect as a general practitioner who works with women that you would have some basic medical and treatment knowledge on a disorder that effects a huge amount of women of all ages. Just sayin.
Next thing he says in response or maybe to fill the awkward silence was "I dated a model once when I was younger. She was bulimic. She was hot as hell though." Ok, really? How do you not know that that's not okay and inappropriate. She had a potentially deadly disease... but she was hot?! Thanks ass.
Next up anxiety discussion where he was more than willing to write me some scripts for that without knowing an in depth background on my treatment and medical and psychiatric history. It's just wrong and dangerous that so many doctors do this. He not trained or specialized in psychiatric disorders (by his own admission) and therefore has no moral right to prescribe medication for disorders he doesn't understand. Oh and he thinks he understands anxiety. He's over come his from his past. Well mine come from a lot of different things, but the current height is due to the ED behaviors and me trying to decrease their occurrence.
Then I got to listen all about his theories on medicine and wellness. Not that he didn't have some interesting theories and thoughts, but this visit was about me, the patient, not you the guy trying to presale his book. Blah! And in explaining his theory on predicting where you will be health wise in a year or more by looking at the average experiences of the past year was just so uplifting. I mean hello dumbass, I'm on meds for depression, anxiety, sleep, and migrains and I see a psychiatrist, psychologist, neurologist (though thankfully no more if Dr M. keeps prescribing for me), and a dietician. Pretty sure I've had a pretty shitty past year. Thanks for sharing that your theory is that in a year from now I'm not going to be much better than I am right now. Even though it made since in his long explanation, what jerk tells that to someone trying for the first time to really do treatment and work on this for real?
And he doesn't feel my treatment team will resolve my anxiety. His other theory is all about taking us back to primal instincts and fears. He wants me to start rock climbing, rope courses, kickboxing, and running (not jogging but sprinting). His theory made since, but anyone who knows me knows these are a far cry from anything you'd catch me doing on my Saturdays. May have left with a better taste in my mouth if he hadn't said while pushing the rock climbing thing again "you need to get your skinny butt out there." On my way home I repeated ass, but I'm really hoping that was me putting it in the memory because I hear the phrase skinny ass more. I'm really hoping that he didn't actually say ass, though maybe. Either way, really?! It's just so male! I don't know how to talk to an ED girl so I'll make comments about how skinny she is.
So not helpful when your treatment team thinks you're still losing weight and they don't want you to and when you yourself take every complement you hear as validation for your self starvation. I don't stand a chance of eating over 400 cal in a day if someone has complimented my weight/size that day.
He actually ordered a lot of labs I needed done anyway and wants to have another meeting to go over them even if they are all normal so that we can talk about making them even better. I'll see him that time and then no more. Another note though, when discussing why I should come back in a week to discuss the results he made the comment "I'm sure your boringly healthy but..." Who says that to someone in intense treatment for an eating disorder? Sure, my labs might be fine they normally are. Yes, I look fine. But it has been my treatment team's job to warn me and educate me on all the bad I'm doing to my body and it's possible we're going to find some not so good stuff. But even if I am 'boringly health' I'm going down a road that if I don't get in check and better, I will be far from healthy and that's where my head's got to be at. As my doctor he should know that, shouldn't he?
So no more male doctors... ever! I am now searching for a good general practitioner who has experience with ED patients and good references from former/current ED patients. Not sure how to go about finding that. I guess I'll ask CA when I see her.
Monday, March 7, 2011
I said that I'd stopped.
"I had not stopped. My eating disorder had taken a sharp turn for the worse. I lay in bed each night and stared at my body with a hate that even now brings bile to my tongue. My hatred of bulimia steadily grew. That hatred became, with a little time, an absolute commitment to becoming an anorectic. Bulimia is hard to see because it doesn't necessarily change your body size. It is also more immediately dangerous." - Marya Hornbacher
I'm not being completely honest with my treatment team. I know I should be but it's hard. I met with S after 4 weeks since I canceled our last one. I really felt like quitting again. I really almost did. I don't think either of them would be surprised. But once again I can't quit. I don't quit anything of importance. The hardest part was the honest emotions being felt and shared. I had decided to quit seeing Dietician CA but after my good session with S I felt like I haven't given her enough time to figure me out and make progress. So I go see her thursday.
I've now cried at the end of a session twice with these woman. I hate crying in public so much. They get me every time when they talk about how proud they are of me for what doesn't seem like much to me. I mean I'm miserable following the meal plan and I just feel like I could be doing so much better. I guess it's that whole need for perfection.
I'm not being completely honest with my treatment team. I know I should be but it's hard. I met with S after 4 weeks since I canceled our last one. I really felt like quitting again. I really almost did. I don't think either of them would be surprised. But once again I can't quit. I don't quit anything of importance. The hardest part was the honest emotions being felt and shared. I had decided to quit seeing Dietician CA but after my good session with S I felt like I haven't given her enough time to figure me out and make progress. So I go see her thursday.
I've now cried at the end of a session twice with these woman. I hate crying in public so much. They get me every time when they talk about how proud they are of me for what doesn't seem like much to me. I mean I'm miserable following the meal plan and I just feel like I could be doing so much better. I guess it's that whole need for perfection.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)