Life Without ED

"You begin to forget what it means to live. You forget things. You forget that you used to feel all right. You forget what it means to feel all right because you feel like shit all the time, and you can't remember what it was like before." - Marya Hornbacher


I can't remember what it's like to go through a day not thinking about food at all times.  I can't remember what it's like to eat because I'm hungry and eat enough to feel full.  To be okay with feeling full.  I dream about food. I wake up thinking about food.  I spend the entire day thinking about food.  What will I allow myself to eat?  Could I make it the entire day without eating?  Could I make it two?  Can I cancel my plans with friends so that I don't have to eat?  If I eat, will I be able to purge?  When will I be able to purge?  I don't remember a time that food hasn't been such a complication.


I spent Thanksgiving alone this year.  It use to be my favorite holiday which sounds funny.  It makes a lot of sense though.  A holiday completely surrounded around socially acceptable over eating.  A time when everyone gives in and goes on a binge.  Before the first purge when I was 16, it was my favorite holiday because it was the only day I allowed my self to splurge with food.  I was incredibly restrictive from at least the age of 13 and so this day of truly eating a big meal was a big deal.  I wouldn't eat the day before or two days after to make up for the amount I would eat with family.  After 16 it was even more my favorite because I then could binge and immediately make up for it.  I haven't liked Thanksgiving for about 3 years.  When I decided I was really going to work on the bulimia I realized how horrible of a trigger it is for me.  I still feel like I have to go for the social aspect, but now it's a holiday filled with anxiety.  


This year my mom was out of town and my sister was at my dad's and since we are not on speaking terms no one expected me there.  I successfully implied to all my friends that I was taking up someone else's offer of Thanksgiving dinner.  I didn't actually lie to anyone, just didn't tell the whole truth and led them to the wrong conclusions.  I wound up not doing a whole lot of anything my entire week off, including very little eating.  Lost 5 pounds that week.  It makes me sad though that my obsession has ruined a tradition I have loved since I was a kid.  


My therapist asked me in my last session how things (specifically holidays) would be different if I didn't have my eating disorder.  I couldn't answer.  I didn't even know where to start.  Granted she asks me a lot of questions I don't know how to answer.  In truth I couldn't picture or put into words what my life would be without ED.  I have lived with it for so long that I'm not sure I can live without it.  Who am I with out my eating disorder?  It's become so enmeshed with my personality and identity.