Crossroad

I feel like I'm at a crossroad in so many ways.  I was sitting in bed reading (the fourth book I've read in the past three days) and thinking about how restless I am here on the farm.  So cut off from my social life and the real world.  Then I reflect on the fact that I have left my phone by the bed abandoned for two days when normally it's attached to me at all times.  And then as I read all the Merry Christmas messages from friends and start thinking about not replying to any of them I realize how easily I can cut myself off from the same world I miss.  I'm a constant contradiction.  I miss the business and socializing of my 'normal' life yet love (and still hate?) being completely cut off and isolated from it.  

I did respond to the messages though.  I have such amazing friends who love me so much.  I really am so incredibly lucky and blessed.  I think I tend to want to avoid people right now because I know from experience that I am not a good actor and that they all know I'm not doing so great right now.  And not just with the food stuff.  My depression always kicks into high gear at this time of year.  I'm that total cliche; depressed as all hell during winter and borderline manic in the summer.  I hate knowing that people are worried about me.  To be honest I'm arguably more self destructive when I'm semi manic, but everyone worries when the low sets in.  That's my fault though and due to my trip to the ER two years ago.  I can't blame them on that one.

It is tiring though.  I just wish I were normal.  So much that I can almost picture giving this all up.  It's always this time of year when I start thinking about not going to therapy anymore.  It just makes me feel so much more not normal having to rearrange my schedule to fit in all the appointments.  And she's making me start seeing that dietician now so that's even more.  I know that I need to keep going, but it's so tempting to just not.  Just to stop and pretend that everything is okay.

I use to love Christmas.  I use to love a lot of things that have lost meaning to me now.  I feel hollow.  That's the only way I can describe it.  It's like I go through the motions most of the time with no feeling anymore.  I let this whole holiday season go by without much enthusiasm.  The only real glimpse at the excitement that use to glow from me (because I was all about the Christmas spirit once upon a time ago) was when I shopped and decorated for my students.  Maybe if there were little kids in my family I could be a little bit of the me I use to be.

I was never that happy of a person.  Looking back on my childhood, I remember many more days of sadness and despair than happiness.  I also just assumed that some people were happy and some people weren't and I was part of the latter group.  They say it's a chemical imbalance and I believe it because the meds do make it better.  But the meds don't fix how numb I've become.  I can't even put a finger on when I really stopped feeling much of anything about so many things I use to care about.  Probably why I'm such a workaholic.  I do care about my job and kids.  I still have that.  What happens if I stop feeling that too?

I can't wait until after New Years.  I do still love that holiday.  It's like a blank slate.  There's nothing more beautiful than the promise of a fresh start.